You Can't Avoid Boyd!

If You Ain’t Offensive, You Ain’t Trying

            Fantasy sports are a big part of today’s society.  According to a number I just made up, 37% of Americans participate in some form of fantasy sports.  If it is a sport, you can play a fantasy version of it.  This post isn’t about why you should play.  If you don’t want to play, fine.  If you do, please follow the main rule of fantasy sports: Have the most offensive name as possible.  (Please note: The names of my friends will remain anonymous as some of my friends are valued auditors, medical professionals, and “journalists” and I do not want to slander their good name.)

            The following subjects have been touched on in fantasy leagues I have been associated with:

·        The death of Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes the same weekend as our football draft

·        Accidental drowning deaths (both among adults and infants)

·        Terri Schiavo

·        The Utah mining incident where six miners were trapped and declared dead

·        Ben Roethlisberger

·        Bill Cowher becoming single after his wife passed away from cancer

·        Luis Salazar, baseball coach who lost an eye after being struck by a ball

·        Ron Washington’s cocaine use

·        Dany Heatley killing his teammate after a drunken car accident

·        Suicides, tragic deaths, horrific injuries, and convictions of too many athletes/celebrities to name

·        Michael Vick

·        Kevin Everett, paralyzed football player

·        School shootings

·        Incidents directly involving our friends

The fantasy football league I run is named after Joe Namath’s legendary drunk interview with Suzy “I Just Want to Kiss You” Kolber (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc65NC44dSk).  Once, a coworker saw the name of my fantasy team and stared at me in disbelief.  A friend already has a team name for the 2011 football season (if there is one) involving the disaster in Japan .  My first thought wasn’t “Oh My God, that’s horrible”.  It was “Damn, that is genius”.  Another friend always uses generic lame names for his fantasy teams and I believe this is the reason he has a winning percentage of .349 and has yet to win anything.  My friends aren’t racist, homophobic, or insensitive.  They are just misunderstood.

Every year, my fantasy goals are to win as much money as possible and have the most offensive name as possible.  Even when my friends and I are dead, I look forward to continuing this tradition in Hell.  My goal is to get the Prince of Darkness in our league and name my team “The Devil is a Cunt”.  It’ll totally be worth the ham sandwich I have to earn daily for all eternity.

Written by: Marcus Boyd