You Can’t Avoid Boyd

LT was Blindsided

For years, Lawrence Taylor victimized QBs by attacking them from their blind side (unless you were a freak lefty, then you saw him hit you.)  If you don’t believe me, ask Joe Theismann.  In fact, he was the most feared pass rusher of his time and even helped Sandra Bullock win an Oscar.  However, LT was finally the victim of a blind side attack.

In May 2010, LT hooked up with a 19-year old prostitute in New York that his friend set up for him.  However, this girl turned out to be a) a teenage runaway who was forcefully coerced by his friend into sleeping with LT for money and b) lying about her age as she was a week shy of 17, the age of consent in NY.  Charges of statutory rape were brought against LT, but he reached a plea agreement and was found guilty of lesser charges.  He is now on probation for six years and will register as a sex offender.  His friend got prison, up to nine years.

If they discover LT knew the girl was held against her will and/or underage, then he is a scumbag.  However, how should he know?  LT told Fox News last week, "I don't card them. I don't ask for a birth certificate."  In today’s world, a lot of girls look older than they actually are.  It’s possible a 16 year old looks 19.  Also, prostitution is a victimless crime.  Some may consider it gross or wrong, but who is the victim?  Two people consensually agree to have sex for money.  

LT has abused drugs and hookers all of his life.  He isn’t a good role model, but he doesn’t claim to be.   The only thing LT should be guilty of is having a shitty friend.  He should be allowed to live his life.  He should be allowed to play golf; he should be allowed to pursue horrific acting roles; he should be allowed to be the greatest defensive player in Tecmo Super Bowl history.  However, he should have been allowed to pay his fine for banging a hooker and then have to answer to Mrs. Taylor, his ultimate judge.  Instead, kids can’t go trick or treating by his house and he won’t be giving away any ham sandwiches anytime soon.  And that’s a real shame.   

-Written by Marcus Boyd

Wednesday's Words Of Wisdom

     It's Wednesday, what better day to give you all a few words of wisdom. This isn't going to be anything profound or philosophical or anything like that. It's just a little advice to make your life and the lives of those around you a little better. Basically a once a week guide on how not to be a jack-ass.
     I bring this up because it happened today, and if the person involved would have read this prior to visiting the 7-11 in Falls Church, we both could have had a better visit. There are two parts to this but it all deals with convenience stores/gas station quick stops. Whether you are on your way in, or coming out, and you see someone holding the door what should you do? SPEED UP! Just a little bit, to acknowledge the fact that someone is bothering to hold the door for you. Don't break into a sprint and make the person holding the door feel bad that they made you run 15 feet or so. Simply step up the pace you are walking for Christ's sake! When I hold the door for someone, which I do quite often, and they don't accelerate their pace at all it really makes me want to chop them in the throat. Then take whatever they dropped out of their hands and start spiking it off their coughing face! Just something as simple as a half a step faster is acceptable. Not doing anything makes it seem like you are better than them and they should be holding the door for you anyway. Who do you think you are?
     The second part would be the opposite. If you are going in or out and someone will be doing the same thing before the door would close on it's own, HOLD IT! What's the big deal? Just hold the door for a couple seconds. It's so much nicer than having the door come slamming into your hands. The rule I use is just what I said a few sentences ago. If you were to let the door close, and someone would be at the door before it would shut, than you should be holding it. Simple acts of courtesy go a long way. When I'm walking towards a door and someone just lets it slam in my face it makes me want to follow them home and beat them to death in front of their kids! Now you may be thinking, "wow Pat you are overreacting a little." Yea you might be right. Or how about you just hold the F'n door and we wouldn't have to worry about it. If everyone would follow these two very simple rules, it make for a pleasant day for everyone?
     I know you've all been in my position. You just got out of your car and you are making your way towards the door. You can see someone is going to get there before you, and you start to get the words "thank you" ready for when they hold the door open for you to grab. Then they just let it slam shut. I know it's not a big deal and they aren't obligated to hold it but come on! Just think about the last time that happened to you and how you felt afterward. I walked in the store with a pissed off look on my face and I might have taken it out on the clerk for no reason. If that person would have just held the door I could have gone in there with a smile on my face. Who knows, maybe I buy a Ham Sandwich for the bum outside offering Hand-jobs, Double Bonus!
     So every Wednesday I will have some more words of wisdom to help this world become a better place one reader at a time! Stay tuned tomorrow for "You Can't Avoid Boyd" a guest blog by Marcus Boyd.

Are you afraid of heights?

     I don't know if you've heard about the French climber Alain Robert, rightfully nicknamed "Spiderman." He is on a mission to climb as many sky scrapers as he can with his bare hands. What? Oh, you want me to repeat that? No problem. He plans on climbing as many sky scrapers as possible with his bare hands! I'm talking just walking up to a building with his climbing shoes and little chalk bag, grabbing on and climbing to the top. Oh, did I mention this guy is 48 years old?
     I'm afraid of heights, I don't mind telling you that. It doesn't stop me from doing awesome stuff. I still went sky diving and cliff jumping. I know my cliff jumping tales aren't epic and mostly overshadowed from one event where I spent 45 minutes on the edge of a cliff before mustering up enough balls to jump in. I still did it though so Shut Up! Either way, my fear of heights has not stopped me from doing what I want to do. I was completely terrified on the plane ride up to 10,000 ft. before we jumped out but I did it and it was one of the coolest things I've ever done. On a side note, flying in a Black Hawk Helicopter, sitting on the outer most seat with the doors open through Baghdad is another one of the coolest things I've ever done. LOCKED AND LOADED BITCH! Sorry, I had a flashback. When I say locked and loaded I was talking about my camera not my weapon. They have door gunners for that kind of action. I needed to snap sweet pictures. Anyway, back to my story. So I can still do most things even though heights make my pants damp. This guy is climbing SKY SCRAPERS! With his bare hands, not a rope and harness or suction cups like the movies.
     I'm also not talking about just random sky scrapers in small cities nobody ever heard of. He's climbed the Empire State Building, The Sears Tower in Chicago and 70 others throughout the world. The new one in Dubai, currently the tallest sky scraper in the world, yea he climbed that too. Oh I should mention he did have to use some equipment after the 700 meter mark because of the shape of the building. I won't hold that against him though. I've climbed a few things bare handed before. I scaled a buddy's house to get in while he was on vacation, I've climbed various trees to get a frisbee unstuck or whatever, never a building though.
     So next time you need to clean out your gutters, which I need to do pretty soon, think about this guy. You'll go and get a ladder or hire some Mexican to do it for change. Try and scale your one or two story house with your bare hands. Then think about going up another 40 some stories. Crazy isn't it?
     I have to applaud people that throw caution to the wind and attempt/accomplish these awesome feats! It really shows what we are all capable of if we set our minds to it. Or you can go the other route where you don't set goals or have any ambition to accomplish anything! You know what you'll end up doing?? You guessed it! Giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches outside a rundown gas station bathroom.

UFO Sightings . . . now that's interesting!

     Are we alone in the Universe? There have been reports from a small town in Colorado about a UFO sighting. Well they worded it "strange formation of lights" but it's a UFO sighting. So now the thoughts of Men in Black, Independence Day, District 9 and the new Battle for LA come to mind. Are they that farfetched? Are we that arrogant to think we are the only form of life in the Universe?      I like to think about life on other planets. Not necessarily aliens that come to invade Earth and kill everyone. I'm talking another star that has an earth like planet orbiting it, and maybe that planet has life just like us. So then I think, I wonder how they're doing things.
     I picture the utopia of course. A Place where everyone is living their lives in harmony, getting along with each other and just having a good time. There is no war or hunger or poverty. Obviously that is a stretch, but it's nice to think about. What language do they speak? Are they as advanced as us? Or even further along? Maybe they are riding around in the spaceships we all joke about. Maybe, just maybe they have the ability to teleport! Yea, teleport.
     Maybe it's the other way around. They might be worse off than us. It might be like Congo everywhere. Everyone looking over their shoulder, robbing and killing to eat. Only the strong survive. Some real Darwin type shit! What if the animals are the top of the food chain and humans have to avoid being dinner day in and day out? Maybe the Dinosaurs didn't go extinct on this Earth. What a wild place that would be. Jurassic Park but for real, and with no fences. Can you imagine not being the top of the food chain? People these days get all worked up when they hit a squirrel with their car on a back road. What if you had to kill and eat squirrels just to survive? I just wonder how many of you would still be around. Do you think you'd have what it takes? Will you be able to do what you had to? Interesting to think about.
     So I know when you hear of UFO's you picture green aliens and eventual epic battles for mankind. I like to imagine it a little different. There are billions of stars out there, so even more planets orbiting those stars. To assume that there are no other planets like Earth out there is absurd. So those UFO's people are "seeing" out there could be another human from another far away planet that figured out how to travel across the Universe. Crazy? Yea maybe, but maybe not. It's fun to envision what could be out there and if you don't think so then blow it out your ass. I like to entertain the possibility of a planet where people are just getting along and living "the life." A planet where you can walk down the street after a night of drinking and you won't get offered a Hand-job for a Ham Sandwich from a bum outside a 7-11.
      It's just a thought!

Where are we headed??

     It's time to get a little serious here folks. I read an article today about U.S. budget problems, retirement benefits, tax cuts and that sort of thing. It doesn't look good for my generation, and it looks even worse for the generations to come. 

     So where are we headed? Do we have enough problems yet? I guess not, so how about this scenario. We've  all had money come out of our paychecks for Social Security with the plan of collecting it later on in life when we retire. Well I have some good news and bad news. Bad news is that it might not be there when we retire, the entire Social Security program will most likely be done away with and we'll be forced to fend for ourselves. Now I'm sure like responsible adults you've been putting money away in a separate retirement plan and won't be to affected by this. The fact remains that money comes out of your check and you won't be seeing it when the time comes. The good news, I'll still be blogging so just relax! 

    For those unfamiliar with how Social Security works I'll give you a quick rundown. It's not like a retirement plan that you pay into, it gets invested and you collect that money later on. The money that comes out of our paychecks today is going to the folks that are collecting today. So in theory, when we are old enough to collect, our kids would be paying for our benefits. So if that program is done away with, all the money that we've been paying into it will have already been paid to recipients. If the program is still around for us then it all makes sense, if not we are losing out on a lot of money. 

     That's just one of the problems we are facing today. Congress is facing a Government shut down if they can't figure out the budget problems. The way Congress operates I can't see them figuring anything out that will actually help. Congress is like those old gangs that disagree with each other just for the sake of disagreeing with each other. If the Republicans come up with a great solution, the Democrats will disagree because they won't get credit for it. Or vice versa. So nothing worth while will ever get accomplished unless they can put their childish ways to bed and do something right for the Country! It bothers me more and more everyday that they all talk about wanting to do right by the people and then argue like children while nothing gets accomplished. The fact that we pay these people is disgusting. I can sit here in a suit and say that everything you come up with is a bad idea and you're a terrorist. Should I run for Congress? 

     Unemployment benefits and the welfare system are taken advantage of everyday. Does anyone have a problem with random drug tests for those on welfare? I think these programs need to be a little more personal. You can sign up online and get your benefits without ever talking to anyone. You can take the money you get and spend it on anything you want. We need to create another branch of the government that has a more in depth watch over both of these programs. There are honest people out there trying to get jobs that could use unemployment in the interim. They can't though! Because there are even more dishonest people out there abusing the system. Collecting unemployment and not looking for any kind of work. Just sitting back and letting the money come in. The same with the welfare system. There are far too many people abusing these government programs that they can't benefit the Americans that really need them. Let's have random drug tests for welfare recipients. If they are on welfare they shouldn't be using that money for drugs. If they have extra money for drugs, they shouldn't be on welfare. I'm not an advocate for Socialism where the government is involved in everything. However, these government programs need to be monitored a hell of a lot closer! 

     Don't get me started on illegal immigrants! 

     So where are we headed?? Where is this country going? We used to be the greatest super power in the world. Are we still? I'd like to think so, but for how long? Our economy is in the shitter, we have troops all over the world. I don't want to think about where we'll be if something doesn't change. There will be a small number of people that still have money and can manage to live comfortably, the rest of us will be giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches! 

Sorry if this blog is all over the place, it was just some things I had on my mind this morning. Luckily this isn't going to be graded for a school report. So tell me what you think. 

     

Drunk Texting? What about it makes you mad the next day?

      So we're going to talk a little bit about drunk texting. I bring this up because I recently did some of it. I know you've been there, you wake up a little confused about where you are or what you're wearing. How did I get here? Why did I sleep on the floor? How did I get into this hotel room? All standard next morning questions we've asked ourselves time and time again. You either pull yourself together enough not to vomit, or you don't and hopefully find somewhere socially acceptable to let loose. Then try and find some water or anything without alcohol to start the re-hydrating process. After you get to a good enough place where you can sit up without feeling like punching a baby, it's time to start piecing the night together. So you start with the pre-game or whatever kicked off the outing. That's all fine, pretty standard stuff. If it's anything like my night was it started with a Miller Lite at the house at around 2:30. Then it was off to a bar to watch March Madness and drink some 32 oz mugs of House Lite. Then you trace your steps to the next location. Maybe it was a metro ride into DC, maybe it was off to another bar to meet friends, maybe it was to a whore house because you're just tired of the chase and want some sexual satisfaction. Whatever it is, it all makes sense still and doesn't explain the severity of the hangover you have right now. So you go further into the night and that's when things get a little tricky. You still remember where you went and what you did, but there are small details you just can't figure out. You know you bar hopped a bit, saw some friends, took a cab ride. Maybe a buddy of yours took the headrest off the passenger seat and the cab driver couldn't figure out how to put it back on. Maybe not. You still can't figure out the end of the night completely so you decide to check your phone and look for clues. UH OH, I don't remember texting last night. Why is it when we get drunk we decide it's a great idea to start serious conversations? So now there is a rush of anxiety going through you as you look at the names of the most recent text message recipients. "I hope I didn't say anything stupid" is the thought that's going through your still pounding head as you open the message. Sure enough, you did say something stupid. Not only did you say something stupid, but odds are you spelled it wrong! I don't know about you but spelling errors in text messages are annoying. I'm not talking about the little stuff you abbreviate or quick shortcuts. I'm talking spelling errors. Maybe it's just me, but I double check what I write before I hit send. Not when I'm drunk though. Apparently when I'm drunk not only do I not look over it before I send it, I also just completely disregard the rules of the English language and throw whatever letters together I see fit. Sometimes it makes sense, most of the time it doesn't. So you look over the mess you may have started and just wonder why? WHY? Why did I say that? Why did I have to text that person? Why can't I spell when I'm drunk!? Why does my head still hurt!?! Anyway, so after you check over the dumb things you decided couldn't wait until the morning to tell someone, you realize that those messages didn't help you out at all. They just made you feel worse about the night and a little dumber for all the spelling errors. If you're like me anyway. So you still have the questions about your whereabouts and how you ended up there. You didn't get any help from your phone, if anything it made things worse. You have to get your shit together and get back home. You can only try and move on and just hope you weren't drunk and hungry enough last night to give Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches!

So you tell me what you hate about drunk texting.

How this is going to work!

Good Morning everybody!
          So this is how we're going to do this. I am the only one that can post on here, but I want this to be an open forum for anyone to post. So if you have something you'd like to say, just email it to me and I will copy and paste it right on here. I won't edit it or change anything or even pre-judge you for it. I will simply copy and paste it on a post. I'll put who it's from so you get credit for your post. That way we can all put some good stuff on here and have some fun with this! I'm hoping to be getting something from Josh today, and I hope to receive some stuff from Marcus Boyd on a regular basis. If anyone would like to have a permanent spot on here, maybe a certain day they always post something. I'm open to suggestions. I just want this to be something fun we can all enjoy logging onto. Again, you can post anything you want. It doesn't have to be sports related or anything like that. I challenge all of you out there following to send me something and really kick this pig!

P.S. how do you like the background pic?? Marcus found the lady, and I found the Ham Sandwich! Photoshop played a small role and BAM! The greatest background pic ever!

BYU Sucks!

So like I said before this is an open forum and I have something I'd like to get out there. BYU sucks!! I'm not talking about the basketball team, I'm talking about the entire school. I understand that they are a Mormon school and they have higher standards for their student athletes. But seriously? I had BYU going to the Championship, I jumped on the Jimmer Fredette bus and was gonna ride it all the way to the finals! They would have made it all the way if their star big man didn't get suspended for violating the honor code, Jimmer is good but the poor guy needs an inside presence. What did he get suspended for? Rape? Murder? DUI? Armed Robbery? Substance Abuse? J-walking? NO! J-walking is actually the closest as far as a ridiculous thing to get in trouble for. He had sex with his GIRLFRIEND! He didn't get drunk and hook up with some random skank, I could actually see a religious school being mad about that. It was his girlfriend, and it was consensual. He didn't force himself on her, or get her all drugged up. They probably had a nice dinner, some wine, a little dancing and then some sex. Completely understandable! I would bet they didn't even do it in any weird positions. Just standard after a nice date sex with the girlfriend. So I was told that the university is very strict about it's honor code but if you do violate it you can "confess" to one of the priests or whatever they are called in the Mormon faith and it will be taken care of behind the scenes. You do your penance then you carry on with your life. This poor guy, who was the team's leading rebounder, had some most likely boring sex with his girlfriend and someone ratted him out to the top brass. Of course when it gets to the level that it must have gotten to there was nothing they could do but suspend him. It's just a shame that it got to that level. Also, I understand the honor code and all that jazz, but really? Does it have to be that strict? No caffeine, chocolate, sex, loud music probably. I don't know the whole honor code and I really don't care, it's just crazy to me that a division 1 basketball player for a major university gets suspended for such a "j-walking" type offense. So who was the person that tattled on him? What kind of life is that guy leading where he has to tell on someone for having sex with their girlfriend? The only way that guy could violate the honor code would be to cash in all his World of Warcraft money and buy a "seasoned" hooker with no other options. I mean the type of lady that would give this guy a go must be giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches outside a 7-11. So anyway, BYU lost and now my bracket is all but garbage. Thanks Mormons for being so damn strict!

Now this is my first blog, so if it jumps around or some of the points don't get their share of attention, blow it out your ass and you give it a shot! Thanks for reading, and let's see what you've got to say on the matter.

Welcome to Hand Jobs for Ham Sandwiches

Good Morning everyone, welcome to my Blog! I would like to credit the name of this blog to one, Marcus Boyd, who will hopefully be a regular contributor. This blog is all about the stuff you want to talk about, it can be anything that happens to be on your mind at the time, in the news, happening at work, whatever gives you the urge to write. There are no guidelines for entries, we can talk about absolutely anything. The point is to provide everyone with an open forum to get some stuff off their chest. So don't be shy! This is a blog that you'll be reading and writing on so much you'll lose your job and end up giving Hand-jobs for Ham Sandwiches! ENJOY!